Written by Joshua
10 Nov 2024
Three months in. Time really does fly. It feels like I got off the plane at Arlanda Airport just yesterday. I looked back in my personal journal at the entry I made on the 23 of August, just after I had settled in my dorm. At the time, I was so anxious. Would I be able to make good friends? Would I be able to manage the darkness and the cold? Am I just going to survive for my two years abroad? Who will I be when I’m finished with all this? Will I come back just a shell of myself? Valid questions, right? It’s amazing how my perspective has already started to shift in just three months. What’s happened?
I can’t say that things have been perfect, but honestly, they’ve been far from what I expected. My biggest fear was honestly having to go home. I was always asking myself the question, what would it take? What would my threshold of anxiety be? When would I know that I wasn’t supposed to do this? At what point could I say that I gave it my best shot and that this just wasn’t going to work out? I threatened just about everyone I knew, saying things like “Don’t be surprised if you hear me call and say I’m at the airport, come pick me up.” In fact, my passport was always on my person. I needed to know that I could get to the airport and be on my way home at a moment’s notice. Look at me now though. While there are days where I still wonder if I will make it, my point of view has so drastically changed since. There are a few things I have learnt about me, about Sweden, and just generally about the world in these months, and I think they’re the reason why I’m still here. Let’s go through them.
1. I’m stronger than I thought 🥹
Well, I think the fact that I’m still physically in Sweden says a lot (I swear, you don’t have to fact check that 😅). I may or may not be inclined to up and leave at any minute but, for the most part, I think I’ve done more than survive. Learning to live by yourself is a HUGE DEAL. I’m probably not the first to tell you, and I don’t think I’ll be the last, but living alone and taking care of yourself is HARD. Ensuring that you eat on a daily basis, sleep properly and walk around looking like a respectable human being is a full-time job. I often wondered when I was leaving home if I would even eat a decent meal before I came back 😅. Turns out, one of the first things that I learned about myself is just how much I love to cook. Living alone is almost something I take pride in now. Preparing my own meals and keeping myself and my space in good shape just makes me feel so proud. What’s interesting is that while I know I don’t want to live alone, I know that I can if I need to. It may not really seem like much, but for me it’s almost reassuring.
2. I know who I am and I don’t need to be someone I’m not 🥰
Making friends was one of my biggest worries coming to Sweden. People speak so much about the ‘Swedish disposition’. We’re always hearing about how hard it is to break into conversation with Swedish people and how isolated they can be, especially with international students. What you should remember though, is the fact that most people here are new, Swedish or not. Everybody’s trying to make friends, and university is pretty much the best place to meet them.
Don’t worry about people not liking you, and never think that you need to have tons of friends. Just be yourself. That has definitely worked for me! Don’t feel like you need to change who you are to fit in. I can promise that the moment you do, you’ll begin to attract people you don’t really want in your life. One of the saddest things I’ve seen from students since I’ve been here is the way they intentionally change parts of their personality to fit in with new groups of people. International students especially find it difficult to discover their place in this new environment. I see where people take up unhealthy habits like smoking and drinking, just to feel like they fit into the ‘college culture’. Don’t be that person. I know that it’s tempting, but never change yourself to suit anyone. The only person you should be comparing yourself with is you!
That leads me to my second point. I remember being in high school when my guidance counsellor always told us that comparison is the thief of joy. At the time, I never really understood the gravity of the statement. As I’ve gotten older though, I have found out how important that sentiment is. Coming back to school, especially after a break, you tend to compare yourself to everyone, not just in a professional sense but in your daily pursuits. How far have they gotten, what have they done that I haven’t, and am I behind are common questions that I think we all start to consider. Cut that train of thought. It’s incredibly dangerous and counterproductive. Always stay focused on you. Orient yourself towards just getting a little bit better every day. The more you focus on everyone else around you, the more delayed your progress will be, and that’s a fact.
3. I’ve learned that life goes on
I spent a lot of time during the semester worrying about exams and assignments. I’m the type of person who will be thinking 10 steps ahead. I need to have resolved in my mind, exactly how I’m going to function. I basically like to know what’s coming. Naturally, that desire to have full control over life leads to high levels of anxiety.
I learnt the hard way that living like this is extremely tiring. I drained myself just thinking about possible eventualities. One day, I was sitting in the KTH courtyard, talking to a friend of mine. She’s 95. Yes, I have a lot of old friends but that’s not the topic of discussion right now 😂. Anyways, she asked how I was doing as usual, and I gave her the same response I always do “Things are good, not the best, but I’m giving thanks.” When I turned the question on her, she responded (and I’m paraphrasing) “Yuh know, mi jus grateful seh when mi wake up a mawnin, mi can get up and go outside and see di sun”. In standard English, she’s basically saying that she’s just happy to be able to wake up and go outside and see the sun. Humbling, isn’t it? The fact is that there is so much that can go wrong in life, there are so many things that could be taken away from us at any given moment. Our lives could change in the blink of an eye. Exams, assignments, coursework, presentations, all of it, they’re fleeting. They come and go. In fact, we worry about them so much for a short period of time, and probably never remember them again for the rest of our lives after we’re finished with them.
All of this to say, life goes on, no matter the outcome. We cant remain fixated on the things that never went our way, especially when those things don’t carry much weight in the grand scheme of life. That may not always be the most comforting statement, but it’s true. If it’s one thing being in this new environment has taught me, it’s the things that are important in life, and I’m going to be honest with you, school really isn’t up on the list of things that are critical to my wellbeing.
Thanks for reading! Want to hear more about finding yourself in Sweden? If 3 months in Sweden has changed me so much, read this post from DA Annamaria to see how 3 years in Sweden has changed her! I’m going to meet so many other parts of myself in the coming months. I can’t wait to take you guys along for the ride!
