My dating life in Sweden 🫠

From time to time, I get this urge to completely embarrass myself in a public setting. Right now, I’m persuaded to maintain my track record by writing about my dating life in Sweden. If we’re being honest, a lot of us come to Sweden trying to escape something at home, or looking for something we thought we couldn’t find. What’s interesting is that love, or the lack thereof, can be the reason for both.

Yes, I admit it, a big part of why I came to Stockholm, or abroad in general, was because I wanted to find the love of my life 😥. Sure, I wanted to go back to school, to learn more about myself, experience European culture, and all that fun stuff, but, if I’m being honest, the hopeless romantic inside me was really the one taking the decisions 😅. At this point, I have a few weeks left, no relationship to show for it but a lot of lessons learnt:

• It’s not so bad being alone 🫠

A terrible way to start, I know 😳. I know if I said this in person, I would be scoffed at, or run out of the room, and believe me, I would respond the same way, but this is something you have to learn. Relationships aren’t always the paradise that you think they’ll be, especially if you’re not in it with the right person. Then again, neither is being alone 🤷🏾‍♂️. The thing is, being alone forces you to figure out who you are, what you can do, and what you truly want for yourself – things that are much more difficult to achieve when you’re tied to someone else. What I’ve learnt is how to enjoy my own company, and although I still don’t like being alone for long periods, I’m much more comfortable by myself than I was when I started 🥹.

• Don’t pull somebody into a relationship just because you’re lonely 😤

Yeah, you to read that one again 😶. I guess we all crave the presence of another person, especially when we haven’t had it in a long time, but sometimes I think we’re alone for a reason. Maybe you just came out of a relationship, or maybe you have some trauma to deal with — there are all types of reasons why it may not be the best idea to spend your time chasing down someone else. The reality is that to fruitfully share yourself with another person, you need to know and be comfortable with what you’re sharing.

• Dating apps aren’t the magic wand you think they are 😭

I came back to school in January resolved to put myself out there, a sentiment that led me to succumb to what I believe to be the Achilles’ heel of my generation, the dating app 🤢. Never in my life did I think I would answer the call of the Tinders, Hinges, Grindrs, or Bumbles of this world. Yet, here I am. The biggest thing I’ve learnt about dating apps is that they are by no means a silver bullet. Getting to know people takes effort 😪. That means that you may have to introduce yourself 50 times over, and that an introduction is not all there is to it, especially when you’re dealing with Swedes 🙄. You have to take the time and put out the effort to get to know people, and that includes sometimes stepping outside of your comfort zone.

• Be clear about your intentions ‼️

I think this one is very important, especially for international students. You must clearly, on every single occasion, ask from the get-go, what it is that somebody wants from a relationship 😤. A lot of people are on dating apps looking for hookups or casual relationships, and if that’s not what you’re looking for, you need to make that clear from the very beginning. Also, if you are looking for a relationship, it may be useful to tell the other person what your circumstances look like. For instance, they may need to know how long you’ve been in Sweden and how much longer you have. I’m not saying that love won’t conquer all 😅, but we should still be practical, especially as international students, when we’re interacting with people who have lived here their entire lives. Long story short, make your intentions known.

• Race is a factor 👧🏾🧒🏻🧑🏿‍🦲👩🏼‍🦰

Now this one is a bit taboo, but I’m going to give you my experience. There aren’t too many black people here in Sweden, and there are even fewer in the dating pool. You have to recognize that a lot of people aren’t very comfortable dating outside their race, and research actually backs this up. As much as you think you may be open to dating someone from another race or culture, believe me, it’s not as easy as it seems ☹️. Personally, I always found myself struggling to figure out how other cultures viewed me. Funny enough, I was actually lucky enough to be able to ask a Swedish guy his thoughts on the topic while on a dating app. Long story short, he said that there are definitely Swedish people who don’t like immigrants, and others who have a few racist tendencies, though he believed these groups to be in the minority. I guess what I’m trying to say is that people tend to date people who look like them, and that remains true for most races. For most of us, it simply boils down to comfort and familiarity, as people tend to gravitate towards those with similar backgrounds and/or experiences. All of that means that interracial dating, especially as a person of colour in Sweden, while far from impossible, is definitely not easy 🤷🏾‍♀️.

• NEVER let somebody take advantage of you 😠

This one is pretty self-explanatory, but very necessary to remember. It’s tied to being clear about your intentions. I’ve come across people who weren’t really in it for the long haul, they just wanted company for tonight, and maybe a few other nights in the week. In those moments, you have to be able to say no. No one will speak up for you, or act on your behalf when you’re alone with someone else, and you should never date another person if you can’t adequately express your needs 🫠. That one was a hard pill to swallow for me.

Note for black women 🙍🏾‍♀️👩🏾‍🦱👩🏾🧔🏾‍♀️: I’ve had a few conversations in the past with some women of colour who went on dates in Sweden. One thing I took from them is the reality that Swedish men don’t necessarily have a lot of information when it comes to dating black women, and they tend to come with a few preconceived notions about who you are and what you stand for. On top of that, remember that black men, in Sweden or abroad, can be very similar 😪. Be warned. As I said, you need to know who you are and exactly what you want before dating, especially in this context. You should never feel the need to change yourself at your core for the sake of a relationship.

I know the final paragraph is usually where I insert the silver lining to my post, but for this one, I don’t know if I quite have one 🥲. There’s no doubt that I’ve learnt loads about myself, and I appreciate that, but again I’m forced to remember that life is just hard, and that things don’t always work out the way you hope they will ☹️. That’s not to say that you can’t come to Stockholm – or anywhere for that matter – and find love, it just means that you have to be prepared to live with the reality that you may only ever have yourself. Somehow, maybe that’s what you need to learn: at the end of the day, you need to be good enough for you. Actually, you are good enough for you, and that’s a statement of fact 😊.

There are so many opportunities to meet people when you go to a new place, and I would encourage anyone to give themselves a chance. Although I haven’t been that lucky (not yet at least 🫠), I’m so happy that I even got the opportunity to try 🥹, and I really hope you take a chance on yourself too! I hope you took something from today’s post, and I can’t wait to talk to you guys in the next one 😉.